God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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