Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
