You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
