How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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