Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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