why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
