We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
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Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.