I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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