I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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