My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
