i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I am midnight drunk by noon
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
