If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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