you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
