and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
