I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
