I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
