so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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