the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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