I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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