I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Two words: blizzard sex
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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