That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
