just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
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New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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