mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
