Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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