We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
