Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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