Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
