i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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