Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
