i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
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woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
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If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.