i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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