You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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