My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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