Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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