got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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