Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
