Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
