Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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