Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
