A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
