You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
