Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
