apparently the secret to your success is patron
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
