Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
