so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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