Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
