Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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