I met the friendliest cop last night
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
A+ Viking dick
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
