alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
