I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
