somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
