Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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