I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
