So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
