Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
