i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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