I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
