Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
