I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
