my shit smells like andre
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
