her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
