I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
