Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
